bette(to tonya and dana): i wish that both of u will forever spare each other pain. if at times, the pain gets unbearable, than let there be forgiveness.
in the mist of overwhelming angst, intangible, labile mess of thoughts i was lost. the booze that brought sourish bitter (due to the acidic gastric juices) semi- digested food from the night's dinner, to my mouth caused me to choke on my laments.
barely 4 hrs ltr i woke up frm my slumberish semi-conscious state, only to have constant sharp jabbings in my head. stomach churning.
now i sit in my office, tryin to piece wad lil' memories i have of the lies i told her, and all the rest of the zillions wonderful time i had w her.
she said I had broke the trust between us. there's no way she can trust me wholeheartedly; there's no way she can live w somebd who isnt truthful to her. so i am a big fat liar who's also a 2headed snake who can be untruthful to her right in front of her face w/o blinkin an eye, and yet be all nice to her still. can u see the connections? i cant. i am not a fuckin livin irony. i dun hate her, bitch behind her back and be all nice to her in front. i do cherish u and i do love u. do u get it? y the fuck will i want to hurt u w intentions?
yar i can tell u now. i AM a fuckin excellent liar. i can tell great lies and not feel remorseful IF it's goin to be better than tellin u the truth. i myself am amazed at how perfect my lies can be at times. so wad? the entire world hates liars. condemn me. i have absolutely no intentions of hidin anything frm u. it's eitehr i'll ratehr let the others tell u bout it themselves or it's juz a matter of time before i'll let u noe.
u really do mean a lot to me. how many times i had wanted to step over the boundary but i dare not, fer fear i'll destroy every thing we share between us now. our frenship is so fragile and too delicate, too many cracks that have been pieced back time and again. but everytime when i feel that the scars are fadin, smth comes along and create a deeper cut than before. who's fault? i wun sae it's urs. u noe i'll be the first to utter 'sorry', i'll put the blame on myself and so will u. i nv do care if i mean anything to u so long i noe u're happy bein who u r.
y cant u try puttin urself in my shoes juz fer once. juz fer once. and try to think y am i doin so. i noe i lied and kept things frm u and u're upset bout it. but i nv set out to hurt u. cos i will nv think of that. u mean too much to me. i know nth i sae or do will gain ur full trust in me. but if u ever read this, can u forgive me? between u and me, i hate to sae stuff like 'time will heal all wounds' cos we've alr had 6yrs together. that is enuff time fer me and u to noe better tt we cant allow anythin to brk wad we have now after all we've went thru.
i hate to see that we're driftin apart once again when fer the past yrs ive been tryin so hard to not let u go no matter wad. y r u judgin my trustworthiness juz based on this? am i justified? isnt there any means to salvage this situation?
wad's frenship even w/o trust? wad's humanity w/o trust? if u cld act sae u dun trust me anymore, than .. i am sorry.
everytime u get hurt by me, i'd go thru double the pain. conversely, i bear the pain in silence.
in the mist of overwhelming angst, intangible, labile mess of thoughts i was lost. the booze that brought sourish bitter (due to the acidic gastric juices) semi- digested food from the night's dinner, to my mouth caused me to choke on my laments.
barely 4 hrs ltr i woke up frm my slumberish semi-conscious state, only to have constant sharp jabbings in my head. stomach churning.
now i sit in my office, tryin to piece wad lil' memories i have of the lies i told her, and all the rest of the zillions wonderful time i had w her.
she said I had broke the trust between us. there's no way she can trust me wholeheartedly; there's no way she can live w somebd who isnt truthful to her. so i am a big fat liar who's also a 2headed snake who can be untruthful to her right in front of her face w/o blinkin an eye, and yet be all nice to her still. can u see the connections? i cant. i am not a fuckin livin irony. i dun hate her, bitch behind her back and be all nice to her in front. i do cherish u and i do love u. do u get it? y the fuck will i want to hurt u w intentions?
yar i can tell u now. i AM a fuckin excellent liar. i can tell great lies and not feel remorseful IF it's goin to be better than tellin u the truth. i myself am amazed at how perfect my lies can be at times. so wad? the entire world hates liars. condemn me. i have absolutely no intentions of hidin anything frm u. it's eitehr i'll ratehr let the others tell u bout it themselves or it's juz a matter of time before i'll let u noe.
u really do mean a lot to me. how many times i had wanted to step over the boundary but i dare not, fer fear i'll destroy every thing we share between us now. our frenship is so fragile and too delicate, too many cracks that have been pieced back time and again. but everytime when i feel that the scars are fadin, smth comes along and create a deeper cut than before. who's fault? i wun sae it's urs. u noe i'll be the first to utter 'sorry', i'll put the blame on myself and so will u. i nv do care if i mean anything to u so long i noe u're happy bein who u r.
y cant u try puttin urself in my shoes juz fer once. juz fer once. and try to think y am i doin so. i noe i lied and kept things frm u and u're upset bout it. but i nv set out to hurt u. cos i will nv think of that. u mean too much to me. i know nth i sae or do will gain ur full trust in me. but if u ever read this, can u forgive me? between u and me, i hate to sae stuff like 'time will heal all wounds' cos we've alr had 6yrs together. that is enuff time fer me and u to noe better tt we cant allow anythin to brk wad we have now after all we've went thru.
i hate to see that we're driftin apart once again when fer the past yrs ive been tryin so hard to not let u go no matter wad. y r u judgin my trustworthiness juz based on this? am i justified? isnt there any means to salvage this situation?
wad's frenship even w/o trust? wad's humanity w/o trust? if u cld act sae u dun trust me anymore, than .. i am sorry.
everytime u get hurt by me, i'd go thru double the pain. conversely, i bear the pain in silence.
posted by sa @ 9:18 AM
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