wad is enough?

how do i measure wad is enough? no definite measuring tool, since the only probable one is the capacity of my heart, which in bio terms, is only the size of my fist. and wad do i measure with? no definite solvent or solution either, since the only probable one is whatever u can give me, and only u will have the answer.

only the elles can understand wad's goin on without actually witnessing anything. ironic but yar, those who are watching may not understand at all. takes 7 yrs to understand huh. hahaha.. we love each other still no matter wad.

...our father in heaven, holy be ur name... praying for ur forgiveness and your guidance.

loved myself

for the very 1st time in my life, im questionin myself.. 'am i a lousy fren?' it just seems tt now, im unable to match up to my frens' expectations, and very much in particular..
i have just learnt to drop my expectations of everyone ard me (yes those ard me physically, and i mean everyone.), and all cos i have enuff of disappoinments. and now, someone tells me, she will do anything and everything fer me! pardon me if i question tt, cos i really dun feel tt's the case. and in actual fact, i dun need anyone to do everything fer me. all i seek is ur respect, support and understanding for all my decisions and choices, ie, even small things like the frens i have ard me. ugly, ignorant, retarded, weird or wad adjectives u can act come up w, pls at the very least give me the benefit of doubt, and acknowledge them as my frens.
y do i have to feel this unnecessary stress comin frm those closer to me. the differences between us have just amplified once again. im tryin to deal w them as much as ure tryin to deal w mine. can we find this balance?
i have changed. to protect myself frm gettin hurt. and now, am i to be wad i used to be?
1st paper tml.. i need my distinction to up my gpa. tt's it fer now. im sorry if this makes me a lousy fren, for this is a promise i have made to my parents and myself. and a promise i'll not break no matter wad. im apologising.. for i duno wad wrongs i have done. wad an idert i am.

wakin up at 210am

i absolutely dun like wakin up at such hrs but i cant possibly stay awake anymore earlier on. it always set me in this gloomy mood.maybe i shd get many many glow in the dark, and make myself indulge in the 'floating in galaxy' feelin.haha.. supposed to be up at midnight. but smth went wrong with my alarm. perhaps i off it without realisin it again-always happens when im too tired. not so much someone who always wakes up on time huh.

northland camp. dun think i'll forget it anytime soon. much of the memories and lesson learnt will remain etched in me forever. a daunting task, but nonetheless completed. not just the students but us as well, the mental and physical training uncle les and the sch had to put us thru. students werent fantastic brainy kids who cld process all that we were dumpin on them but i dun blame them, and v much on the contrary, i think they were the bravest and most determined kids. kids- 13 and 14 yrs old. if they had failed in their tasks, the faults jolly well lie with us. im actually missing the 2-3 days workin so hard with them. their unyielding determination to complete this daunting task of the century. nicholas edbert zixiang yuki, elvianti kairong camay rauda. these kids worked their butt off. some stood out bcos of their ability to lead, others becos they were hardworking. i cried on the 2nd day, so afraid for the kids that they cldn deliver wad was to be expected in time.and tt night, both grps stayed up late. just to work out an hr scenario play for the nxt morning. all the paperwork killed them and they were totally confused of wad to expect. their effort was undeniable. and cos of tt, i applaud them. how strange,i actually missed them.

nv had ever wanted to be a teacher, but im beginning to get a feel y some will act think of being teachers. trainers/instructors and teachers do have v much in common. we aim to pass on our skills and knowledge to the new generation so tt they cld be better persons as the years passed. wished i had been thru more such camps when i was younger, even though i noe i'll hate it. hahah. ironic, but yes i do feel such camps make one stronger over time. lessons taken back are so invaluable,even fer us trainers. no regrets takin up this task, even though the time cld be better used for my studies. this episode has closed, but the impacts of this episode is amplified a thousand times. thanks uncle les. =)

have got to come to my own life. im just glad to have left smth w those kids, hopefully they rem me, or more importantly, have not left wad skills they have acquired at FIT campsite.

and now it's back to my own life. at my v own table in my room in ntu in 7. memories of yesteryear remains... =) jiayou whors

teach me to be who i am

yet another afternn all by myself. enjoying the peace and quiet, the serenity and tranquility. do i like it this way or perhaps a gd fren's company will be appreciated. simply enjoying each other's company,havin the presence of someone close to u. has been missin this fer a very long time.

maybe i do have a split personality. there's always two different environments fer me. home and the outside. and if now, hall is home, i hope u can understand tt this is how i am at home. very much up to u to call me perpetually depressed, grouchy, or wadeva, if tt's how u see it. it definitely annoys me, and it just shows how little u understand me. wad i need, wad i wan. and maybe in the same tone, how little i understand u. no more apologies this time rd, cos it's nobd's fault.

it's in this little comfort zone where im seekin shelter in..

nvm, think im thinkin too much into things.. gettin back to my work. it's vivi's bdae todae i think. haha.. or tml?? either way, me and min will be goin down nus ltr. back to my books.

braces.

i need to get myself, my mind and my heart to start thinkin straight! straight ahead, how i wan my future to be. and the 1st thing ive got to get right is of cos my studies. cant fail myself. cant let tt happen. the last thing i'd wan is to screw up my papers cos i cant get my emotions right, cant handle a little insecurity, cant see wad is more impt.

she HAS to be OUT of my mind. u noe i cant do anything w u near me at all. my everything screams out how much i wish u cld be here. i cant fig out where tt lil' mighty energy come frm tt cld stop my feelings frm spilling. and im proud of tt lil' energy somewhere.

i cant let my goals and aims in life be foiled by my own weaknesses. especially when u dun even have the slightest idea how im feelin. it's unfair. and i dun intend to blame myself.

im stating my directions clearly now. 1 and only thing on my agenda for now. ACE my papers. all emotions except happiness to be thrown out of the window. dun be a pathetic soul. this is ur life and no one's.