a toast for the bitch

turning into somebd unkind. i noe cos i can feel it. and i wonder wad has got into me. fran said: the higher ur expectations, the more disappointed u'll be. guessed tt had happened and tt's y ive decided to change. and all the hateful entries previously speak fer themselves all i can sae is im sorry. had been disappointed. attribute to my over-sensitivity but i'd experienced wad it was like to be left alone, pushed away, forgotten, ignored. it 'pays' to be kind. indeed. pardon my childishness but i'd been pushed to the saturation pt. wadeva i had tried to do was futile; and in the end, unappreciated, doubted. if nobd understands, y wld i wan to try as hard again?

contented.

my yesterdaes are all boxed up and neatly put away. =)
10 more hrs and i'll smell sweet liberation! hee.
but wells, before tt, ive got to taste bitter stomach-knots. bleahs.
(mummie i'll do my best yar. little prayers forming a protective shield round me. retarded.)

rain juz boxed me cos i punched BOOGIE WOOGIE! GGGrrrrr.

and back to where i were.. im goin to be home fer the next 2, 3 daes. it's goin to be nice wakin up to the familiar smell of the bakery and noise frm the early crowds at the mkt and kopitiams. to see my big spacious rooms and enjoyin the serenity of it all. AND at the same time, wondering wad my frens in hall are doin.. come evening time- goin round fer dinner, playing chattin watchin shows. oh wadeva. i'll tell u wad happen ltr these few daes.
for now ive got to tuck myself to bed. last (paper) battle tml! and who noes, in a fit of agitation, i may juz crush the paper. lol. wadeva dear!

im smiling

im UP in this early morning to visit! alrights not exactly that i dun wake up this early everydae. when everyone's still in deep slumber, i quietly creep out of bed-- sometimes to study to go fer exams but half the time to wake somebd else up! my frens are JUZ simply so PIIG! =D i am catching up my slp after mon! so u guys better be the ones waking me up!

okies, i bet it's juz the exams blues. getting too paraniod with everything ard me. always happened. but wells. last paper's on mon morning!! =) last chance of tryin to ace a paper. it's stats, smth which i shd not be too bad at. *prays and crosses fingers.

im happier these daes :j

alrights shunyu jac pig and jing are going to learn scuba diving without me!
i'll stump them!!!!!!!!
AAAwww... i aso wanna go. stupid price i have to pay now fer not learing to be an amphibian. toot.

exams' coming to an end. had planned a lot on my BIIG plans but everything seemed to have suddenly collapsed. haha. *shrugs. i still have OCIP indonesia to plan for but kinda lazy cos it's a BIIG proj! *GIRl! u have to wake up and make up ur mind! it's the BIIGEST thing u're gonna do so far. a chance an opportunity to show wad u're worth ;) have faith!!

simultaneously, there's the overseas tip for the hall:
PLan 1---- (im not giving up!) REDANG!!!!!!
PLan 2---- Gentings, KL sunway lagoon, Zouk, shopping?
PLan 3----- KL (find more interesting games ard KL for all)
PLan 4------ KL KL KL KL... BAHhhs

actually these 2 activities are alr gonna kill most of my time. oh no! i have to squeeze time for myself, family and frens! and money pls fall frm the sky! hahaha. i have to go wakeboardin! really wanna learn scuba diving. PuhLeeez... =(

*i need more time!!!!! to play!

counting the daes

looking ahead to the end of yet anotehr round of exams. desperately fillin up the empty vessel and only to empty it once again after a week.
it's just me and myself now. as said earlier, im walking away. at least fer this period. dun hope to seek ur understanding, cos i noe u need someone by ur side now but juz hope u noticed the little things ive done/am doin to remind u that im still here.
have been said tht im a lousy fren whether directly or not. ive done my best and this is as much as i cld have done.
(hope ive not given too much cos it cld juz meant that im gettin sick of pp saeing that im nice. if u noe wad tt means. all i wish for is nv to be alone. ironic but if u noe wad tt means. i noe jianing jiaxi and sin noes =)

ur bowwowsow

wad i have come to learn bout myself
1) indeed the hardest word for me to sae is : im sorry.
despite the many times i had said it but when it really comes to the crunch, i will choke on that very word.
2) why do i love so much to keep things to myself when others upset me and, and on the other side, everything negative especially my temper gets publicized so much i dun even noe. doesn everyone has a temper? maybe i shd bottle up my very feelings too?
3) im really qt a lousy fren. bcos ive made up my mind not to care so much. my frens nv walk away. no matter wad. whether or not i whine i kick i scream i cry i scold, whether or not im unreasonable im a bitch im grouchy. im sorry this may sound demandin, but if i had done that for u, i juz hope u cld juz tolerate that frm me.

i think i noe wad i shd do now.

trust? mon cul.

wad is it bout 'trust'? never have i heard this word been repeated so many a times in a week. how about 'it takes 2 hands to clap'?

she trusted her, she trusted him, he trusted her, she trust me.
so often that is has been overused. cynical as i can be, is there anybody i can trust? u can trust? im not denyin that before i had broken other's trust, as much as i been the victim. have u not?
is this a world of pretence?
alrigth i shd stop being a cynic. i shd stop ruining this world i see as so beautiful.
i dream of a wonderland. where little girls and boys laugh and play the whole day long. how sweet to hold each other's little hands. how sweet a painting.

my home. i thought

there was a time when i was in love with this hall -my home. nv felt that i cld be happier somewhere else. but not anymore..

SSHhh.. the walls have ears. beware when u speak. whisper when u talk. close your door, chase everyone not of the concerned out. all cos i have a secret for u. SShhh. drama huhs. u think so? so do i.

i used to think that my family will never understand me. only friends are the importance. that was childish. try to live in a place u call home where ur 'family' holds individual keys to secret doors. every other minute u hear people whispering: pls dun tell others...

No, it;s not that im tired of listening to all the problems or that im a self centered autistic freak. u see wad im tryin to sae? u'll never really feel home unless u have someone who never hides frm u. yes there are things one may not wan to sae, but it'll be no big deal shd it be said. cos u never seek to harm ur loved ones. u speak cos u love ur family. so wad if the truth hurts? that's wad families are there for. they support. no matter wad.

friends NEVER walk away when u have no time for them. it doesn work this way. they stay and see u thru ur ordeal.